passing thought on christmas

I don’t know why I can’t be happy.

As everyone moves about the room, happiness flashes across their faces like so many pictures being taken to capture each passing moment.

But still, I know that every moment without you is a moment I would rather not have had at all.

I. You.

I am he that lives and breathes and feels.
I am he that thinks and processes the world around me.
I am he that loves.
I am he that bleeds.
I am he that dies.

And you.

You are she who lives in a world unto your own.
You are she who breathes in air untouched by others.
You are she who feels the love of those around you.
You love.
You bleed.
You die.

And us.

We are they who take steps forward on a planet full of creatures alive and breathing.
We are they who view the world as open to discovery.
We are they who live in love, and love in life.
We love. We bleed.
But we,
we never die.

A few quick words...

I'm sitting on the couch in my parents' hotel room at 2:00 in the morning; my commencement is behind me, and I have only my school convocation later today before I receive my diploma. I have been surrounded by old friends, family, and loved ones for days; toasts have been made in my honor all night. My mother bought be my first official "Northwestern | Alumni" shirt, my bags are packed in preparation for my move back to Los Angeles, and I have a fire burning deep within the pit of my stomach propelling me forward. And yet...

I'm sitting on the couch in my parent's hotel room at 2:00 in the morning unable to sleep. An hour ago I switched into my running shorts and left the room in search of a gym to blow off some steam. I worked out. I cooled off. I cleared my head, got ready for bed, and checked my email.

I regret everything, and yet I don't think I would change anything.

But I'm sitting on the couch in my parent's hotel room because it was never supposed to happen this way. I never thought that I would feel this alone while standing on the precipice of the rest of my life. I never intended to drive this path by myself.

We changed the ending, but we never figured out where that ending was supposed to go.

I hate the fact that I require a companion to function properly. I have never been able to set out on my own and accomplish anything worthwhile. And yet everyone I once knew to fill that void is gone. The friend who moved away during college. The friend who grew distant with time. The friends with whom I may never again share a fraternal or collegiate moment are moving up, or moving on; regardless the direction, it is a path I cannot follow.

I hate knowing that the right decision could be filled with as much pain as the wrong decision, and never knowing which decision was which.

And now...

I'm sitting on the couch in my parent's hotel room at 2:19 in the morning, and it's time to get some sleep.

Welding

I was talking to a friend earlier today who's in a very similar situation to myself. He's got an ex he's still not quite over, and a newer girl who he's involved with. He didn't understand why he still would think about his ex, even though he knew he never wanted to get back together with her. That's when I thought about the following idea:

When two people fall in love, it's like two pieces of metal getting molded together in perfect unison. Over the course of time, these two lovers melt into each other forging a bond that's stronger than either one individually. Even when the fire and the passion burns away, there is a strong foundation and an unbreakable mold left behind to fall back on. As the inevitable fallout ensures, the metal, this bond, slowly starts getting chipped away, piece by piece; and by the end, you're left with two pieces, their ends jagged and painful. What's worse is that the metal that melted together still contains pieces of the other person, and until all of those pieces have been removed, there will always be pain.

the hunt

it was simple and direct.
you had regret in your eyes
while you discounted the years
and preyed on my fears,
but you were cold and imprecise.
you didn't bother to check
for my pulse as I lay there
bloodied to a pulp.
a lioness pawing at her kill.
amused by this newfound power
you purr as my defenses fail.
you could have finished me,
only you hesitate,
watching as the life drains from my face
like water from a sponge:
unnoticeable at first
yet immeasurably changed.

If It Ain't Spring Broke, Don't Fix It

SO many many things going on lately.

Quick recap:

- Came home on March 14 to surprise Makenzie (she was shocked)
- Told my parents that I plan to move back home after graduation to pursue a career in Hollywood
- Realized within fifteen minutes of announcing my move back home that I hate living at home
- Caught up with some old friends
- Was caught off guard by something I thought had ended some time ago
- Dealt with some family d-ram-a

So yeah, along with the normal chismas and bullshit that goes along with any trip home, I'm finding myself creeping ever closer to that mystical and terrifying region of life known as "adulthood." Fuck that noise. The moment I can afford to move out, I'll do it. The moment I get my big break in Hollywood, I'm taking it. The moment I have to "grow up," I'm running hell-bent in the other direction. I will consider it a personal failure if I end up driving a Taurus and pulling a 9-5 by the time I'm 30. As a good friend says, "Live to rage, rage to live." There's no reason to do otherwise.

Some quick thoughts.

So... this week is I-Week at the house, which basically means very little sleep, lots of events, and the eventual initiation of our new guys. Yay fraternity. If you can't tell, I am BURNT out. I can see the light at the end of this collegiate tunnel, and I want nothing more than to push onward and outward. It isn't that I'm not enjoying myself this week, it's that I'm starting to lose interest in the frivolity of the fun and games I used to live for.

My time at Margie Korshak Inc. is almost over, my last day being Friday, March 13th. I'm basically trying to figure out I could live with doing Public Relations until i get my "big break" and i'm learning that, no, I would not be happy doing PR. PR is a woman's world in the sense that it requires an inordinate amount of multi-tasking and in my time with the company, I have met but ONE MAN working for PR. I know men exist in this field, and I'm sure they thrive... But let's be honest: I get enough estrogen with the women in my family. Still being truthful, my time at MKI has been a wonderful experience. If I can arrange it so I work for them one or two days a week next quarter, I will drop a class and add them instead, but financially, I am not sure if I am going to be able to afford not earning an income for yet ANOTHER three months.

Aside from that, not much going on this week. I'm meeting with a guy who runs the Media Lab for the Art Theory department with the hopes of getting a work-study job for the quarter that pays $9 an hour. It's not much, but it's better than most of the crappy jobs they offer around here. It'll help a little, and I can figure out a way to do that and work at MKI for another quarter (the perks are incredible) then I'll be set. Honestly, it's all about filling time until I graduate at this point. Come on, diploma..... :-)